Straw. 5 years old. Chronically ill. Writer. Liar. Hoarder of secrets. Champion of denial.

20th May 2014

Photoset reblogged from what kind of bird are you? with 125,452 notes

swamp-princess:

hmmdestinee:

heartmindcivilwar:

avenidarevolution:

Victims Of Religion

I have never said what the fuck more to any single post in the history of tumblr,

Why? Why? Why are people so fucking stupid?! 10 people died because of stupid ass religion and I’m sure there are 1,000s more suffering..

God told her to saw the arms off her baby….wat

Source: natskep

18th May 2014

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I’m so happy that my Skype movie date to the drive in worked out. I couldn’t make out a lot of the fight scenes in Godzilla, but The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was super bright. We got to make stupid commentary and see a movie together while being states apart.

Tagged: this long distance thing isn't always so badpersonalram rod

26th April 2014

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I’m still cringing at the memory of my last interview. I do not know where my brain went at all.

Tagged: it was terriblei was terriblepersonal

25th April 2014

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Forgot to add that no one actually comforts me when I’m like this and all I’m left with is the absence of a text message response.

That makes me feel so much fucking worse.

Why do I even bother?

25th April 2014

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My family is made up of a bunch of narcissistic fucks.

I don’t have friends that stick around.

My partner is 700 miles away from me.

I haven’t been able to have sex since 2007.

I do not make enough money to survive yet I’m forced to.

Oh and my career of 7 years is just turning out great for me.

I feel too much pressure and stress to do something risky like just pick up and move. I’ve been trying to get a new job since January and striking out every single time is too much.

I’m not strong. It’s all bullshit. I did all this crap so that I could make it as an adult and none of it fucking mattered.

The only way I can even stay “happy” is if I over saturate myself with books, movies, tv shows. Too much has happened this month and now I’m at my low. Nothing left to do but wait until the cycle starts over.

Tagged: personal

25th April 2014

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There are days when I look at a telephone pole and think, “that looks appetizing.”

2nd April 2014

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I am so amped up right now and it’s very much my own damn fault.

I don’t know what to feel at this moment.

I have this urge to do something, but I’ve grown very scared of the dark.

If I’m still up when it starts getting light out I’ll go outside. I’ll do it. I need to break this cycle of fear.

I just feel like everything is unresolved and I don’t know how to resolve it. Am I supposed to be okay with things just hanging on forever in my mind with all these wicked possibilities that never came to fruition. I don’t like where this is going.

My fears are at an all time high. They were nonexistent last year. It’s really fucking with me how different each traumatic experience can be on you.

Tagged: personal

31st March 2014

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Listening to Third Eye Blind and not cutting myself in a bathtub whilst crying.

Tagged: personal

28th March 2014

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Next up:

I vomited in the church because I got car sick on the party bus.

A bunch of wedding mishaps happened.

I didn’t fit on the shuttle and got mashed against a door.

We only got kid sized alcoholic drinks and even when I double fisted I couldn’t get buzzed.

My chest started to itch during the reception. Luckily, my friend came to my aid and brought me to the liquor store and got me alcohol wipes as well.

Reverse shuttle took over an hour to catch and was quite the tight squeeze.

Back at the hotel the cocksuckers wouldn’t tell me where my parents were because it’s against hotel policy to divulge information about guests even if said guests are paying for the room you’re in and you’re their fucking daughter.

And then that’s when the breakdown happened and I let it all out and I needed a good scrub down because the makeup was driving me crazy and I was so upset at the entire day and how I was treated. The only good thing about it was that I got to see my partner and squish him. It was too short though and I don’t get to see him again for 2 weeks. Long distance sucks. Weddings suck.

28th March 2014

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Alright it’s been a week so I guess I can write about it now:

My partner got stranded in Virginia and almost had to sleep on the streets. I was very much upset at my inability to get him. Also he now owes a fuckload of money due to circumstances and mechanics and ughhh.

I lost my bra and ended up having to drive all the way home after dinner and then all the way to the other side of farness.

My cousins could not sleep without the tv being loud enough for them to hear. Guy Fierri’s voice didn’t lull me to sleep.

The woman that did my hair used a vibrating straightening iron to curl it. Not only was this excruciatingly painful, but I could hear my hair break as she twirled. Oh and my hair fell 30 minutes later and ended up having to be redone by the same lady. At that point, my hair sprayed hair needed to be brushed out and I saw even more clumps fall to the ground.

My beef jerkey had mold on it and there wasn’t enough gluten free food to quench my hunger.

They demanded my tattoo be covered by airbrush makeup. I wasn’t informed that I should have shaved the area until it was very late in the morning. I didn’t have a razor. I was handed a dull one and told to use soap in the bathroom. 3 swipes did nothing but burn and so I just said fuck it and went as is.

I had to sit in the middle of the hotel room in a bra and control top spanx thing as my family members and the camera crew photographed, filmed, and looked at me. This was a fucking violation in every sense and I had to keep my teeth clenched and drift off so that I didn’t break down crying. I was so mortified and I hope that these pictures just die. I don’t need to be told “we’ve seen everything” by a bunch of male strangers. Fuck off this is my body and being in a bridal party shouldn’t mean that I no longer have a say in what is done to it and who gets to see it.

Midway through the airbrush the woman goes “you know this costs extra right?” Actually bitch I didn’t. I was told it didn’t. But I have to hold my tongue because it’s the bride’s big day.

I looked like I had a gray green bruise on my chest. It was sticky. It didn’t match my skin at all and oh joy I had dark chest hair.

28th March 2014

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One wedding is over and during the rehearsal dinner my aunt had the nerve to ask me if I would be coming back to the state to attend her daughter’s engagement party (date has not been set).

Tagged: personalno

28th March 2014

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You made a comment about how the boutineer was phallic and I couldn’t help but think “that’s an orchid it looks like a fucking vulva.”

22nd March 2014

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What a shit show of a day, but all that matters is that my partner is making it up in spite of all the bullshit.

Looks like I’m not falling asleep tonight. I can’t jerk off. My cousin needs the bright ass tv on and loud enough so that she can hear it. My heart is pounding. Fuck this.

21st March 2014

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At first I was really pissed off that I couldn’t sleep normally. There are days that are worse than others. I’ve been very stressed out for 2 weeks and this whole insomnia kick has been getting worse. However, I’ve gotten into a bit of a routine and I’m very excited to drive home right now and blast Tool & Puscifer and just look out at the trees and darkness.

The wedding is tomorrow. My hair dye will be fresh as hell tomorrow and I feel like I might get shit because there’s blue and purple in my hair, but it’s completely fucking irrational to tell someone that they have to prepare themselves in YOUR image a year and a half in advance of an event. There were a bunch of other shit that went into my decision, but I didn’t maliciously dye my hair. My hair is mine and I will do with it as I see fit.

I’m back and forth on if I want to wear a revealing dress to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow or button up. I think my chest piece deserves some time in the spotlight since they’re making me get it airbrushed out for the actual day. I haven’t had a chance to see my whole family look at me like I’m a classless gutter rat because I have a large tattoo.

Tagged: personal

20th March 2014

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To jerk off or not to jerk off that is the question.

Tagged: personal